When first working with a couple, I begin with a joint session. In this session, I get input from both partners about their goals for therapy, their commitment to the process of therapy, and their perspective on how they are contributing to the issues.  

Next, I’ll meet with each partner individually. This session typically takes 3 to 4 hours (with breaks), and covers family background as well as the history of the relationship, as well as each partner’s take on when the issues began and the current relationship challenges and patterns. I may also take a sexual history, if the concerns brought up in the initial session are sex-related.

From there, we will meet regularly all together. I’ll start by presenting my assessment of the areas where the couple is struggling and my recommendations for what needs to change. Weekly therapy sessions provide a place to share feelings and perspectives that a partner may not feel comfortable sharing with their partner without support. These sessions also provide times to explore the root causes of the issues at hand – whether from family dynamics, past wounds, misguided assumptions, or broken trust. 

Over the course of therapy, I help both partners gain a new understanding of their own needs and desires, ways of sharing that create connection instead of frustration or alienation. I teach co-regulation skills that allow each person to feel cared for even in the midst of conflict, and to hear and truly understand each other.  

The first two to three months of couples therapy are usually the “getting to know you” phase. This is the time when we will develop the foundational trust that facilitates openness and honesty in our sessions. I will get to know your backgrounds and relationship dynamics during this phase. A therapy intensive typically reduces this phase to just a few weeks. 

The next three to four months is when the most pressing conflicts typically come to the surface, and partners get the chance to learn new ways of responding to problems. During this phase, I will be coaching both partners in emotional awareness, communication, and co-regulation skills, and ways of shifting interactions in positive ways.  

At about the six month mark, the major conflicts are often in the process of shifting, as both partners are learning new ways of approaching their partner, and as they are gaining more awareness of their internal emotional landscape. My focus shifts to encouraging the couple to be consistent about applying their newfound skills and fine-tuning the ways of approaching conflicts as new information arises.  

In the second six months of therapy, often additional underlying resentments and hurts begin to surface. By this point, if each member of the couple has learned ways of handling the emotions that arise during conflict, they have new tools that allow them to talk about these deeper hurts together and hear each other without triggering defensiveness. If they are not at that point yet, then the work on emotional awareness, trust, and connection continues.  

At about the one-year mark, the focus of therapy often shifts to secondary issues or negotiating practical differences, or moves to once-a-month maintenance, or we decide together that it’s time to conclude the course of therapy. 

Often I find that partners really do need individual therapy alongside couples therapy, to help them dive deeper into personal issues that are affecting their ability to regulate their emotions and show up with openness and honesty with their partner.  

If I sense this is the case for one or both partners, I will let you know! I highly recommend doing individual therapy either at the same time as couples therapy, or in some cases, prior to starting couples therapy. I am happy to provide referrals to skilled therapists who can provide individual therapeutic support.  

As a relational therapist, I view the couple as my client, not either individual partner. It’s important for me to maintain neutrality. If I am supporting one partner with individual therapy, that’s likely to affect my neutrality; at the very least, the other partner might feel that I care more about the partner I see individually, because I know more about them. This can damage trust, which affects the effectiveness of therapy, so I try to avoid this!  

I do think it’s sometimes important and even necessary to have a session with just one partner of a couple.  

• At the start of the therapy process, I always have one or two one-on-one sessions with each partner to hear their side of the story as I am learning about the relationship.  

• Later in therapy, I may offer a session to just one client to address an issue I feel is best done apart from their partner or spouse. This will be rare, and it’s not meant to be a substitute for individual therapy.  

The Gottman Method is an evidence-based approach to Stronger Relationships.

The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. With over four decades of studies on thousands of couples, this method offers practical tools to improve friendship, manage conflict, and create shared meaning in relationships.

Key components of the Gottman Method include:

1. Building Love Maps: Deepening knowledge of your partner's inner world
2. Sharing Fondness and Admiration: Cultivating respect and appreciation
3. Turning Towards: Engaging positively in daily interactions
4. Managing Conflict: Learning to navigate disagreements constructively
5. Making Life Dreams Come True: Supporting each other's hopes and aspirations

At Intima Therapy, I incorporate Gottman Method techniques to help couples strengthen their emotional connection, improve communication, and develop skills for long-lasting relationship satisfaction. This evidence-based approach has been shown to significantly enhance marital adjustment, intimacy, and overall relationship quality.

By choosing Gottman-informed therapy, you're investing in a proven method that can transform your relationship and provide you with lifelong tools for maintaining a strong, healthy partnership.